overwhelming

Why does life feel so overwhelming? I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Working so hard at life but never getting anywhere. I'm going through a medication change right now so that doesn't help. Nothing does. 

Private YouTube Channel

Sorry to be such a disappointment. I just set my channel to private. I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I'm terrified they will find out about my illness. I feel like such a failure. I'm going to keep blogging but that's about all I can risk.

Exorcism

So I've had a minor exorcism. It was done by a priest who later became my best friend and soon passed away. We now how my demons were schizophrenia. But here is theme weird part. He told me it would get worse before it got better. Well 2 days later this man showed up at my house. He was walking and lost. He kept saying weird things to me and really freaking me out. I eventually excused myself and got in the shower and cried. I prayed while I was in the shower that I was sorry if this was some type of message from God and I didn't understand. When I got out of the shower I randomly opened the bible and the words said, "these messengers are not from me". So I immediately freaked out lol. Anyone else have this type of experience? Let me k ow in the comments.

Glares

I can barely see right now. Everything has a halo and streaming lights bouncing off of everything. 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCd5TRvvjXI_PlOLlxKbn39Q

YouTube Video

So I finally made my 1st YouTube video. Check it out if you get the chance!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCd5TRvvjXI_PlOLlxKbn39Q

Tired Brain

Have you ever been so tired that you absolutely cannot push back the hallucinations? I had to work today and I fought it all day long. My eyes feel so heavy. It's like seeing an overlay on top of the real world. But that isnt the worst part. The bad part is the distraction it causes. The constant reality checks. Your brain doesn't want to let it go. Well, at least mine doesn't. If you dont have schizophrenia you should really watch one of the simulations on YouTube. It will change your perspective. If you struggle with this too, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear about your experiences!

Schizophrenia / Floaters

So am I the only one who sees these floaty lines in my vision? It only happens on my schizo days. Some are just lines and some are in the form of shapes. One in my right eye almost looks like a dragon head. My logical brain tells me I'm just getting old and having vision problems. My schizophrenic brain tells me there is something more to it. It tells me they are little videos that I just cant see correctly. I'll get to this in a later post but it tells me that I need to "hook up". Whatever that means. I would love to meet someone who has the same visual hallucinations as me but I'm sure it's different for everyone.

Schizophrenia / Blue Light

Everytime I get schizophrenic I see this annoying blue light in my right eye. What is it? Why is it there? What does it mean? Why isnt it there all of the time? Uggghhhh! Go away! I need sleep you little annoying pin prick of a light!

Schizophrenis / Snails

After I started hearing doorbells I started feeling the ground move. I felt like I was in tune with nature. If nature feels like an earthquake lol. Then I started noticing patterns. The same patterns everywhere. I felt like a walking fibonacci sequence. This really got to me because I have a fear of snails. When I was 12 I woke up in the middle of the night to hundreds of slugs crawling all over my room. I couldn't sleep in there for months. When I was around 5 years old I stepped into a bed of snails barefoot. Then, when I was 21, I woke up to thousands of snail crawling all over my backyard and crawling up the outside of my house. It took 5 huge lawn and garden bags to rake up the mess. So snails and I dont get along. At this point my schizophrenia was getting worse and I believed these patterns had followed me my whole life. In the form of snails. Maybe they did.

Schizophrenis / Doorbells

So after I started hearing the Star Spangled Banner, I started hearing doorbells. Constantly. Like someone wanted in my mind. At this point I started to go really crazy. Hearing music and doorbells constantly can truly make you go mad. Next I started seeing images everywhere. Then I slit my wrist. The blade was dull so I didn't get very far, but I cut deep enough to have a scar for a year. This wasn't my last attempt but those stories will come at a later time. You just want it to stop. You can't focus. I cried all of the time. With my current meds I dont hear things anymore but I still hallucinate from time to time. On crunchy head days lol!

Schizophrenia / Mad About It

Is there some normal reason I cant sleep? Of course not. I've had two bad schizophrenia days in a row. So I used to take respiridone, but now I'm on Abilify (the max dose). I stopped taking respiridone because I rear ended someone and have no recollection of how it actually happened. I basically blacked out. On that medication I was a zombie and would never fully wake up every day. I thought my husband was going to leave me. I would rarely even get out of bed and I had stopped driving, but that day I only had to drive a couple of blocks and it was to see my doctor. Well, I didn't even make it one block from my house. I just started driving again a couple of weeks ago. Abilify has significantly improved my ability to think...on most days. If I could only up the dosage a little more it would be perfect. So instead the doctor prescribed me 1 mg of respiridone to take with it. What!?!? I spent 2 months withdrawing from that crap. Do they even listen? Or care? I will not go down that road again. I would rather just be crazy 20 percent of the time. At least then I have mostly moments of clarity. So because of all this I am laying in bed having episodes of madness (psychosis). I am literally seeing shadows on the walls. I cant stop thinking about it. Therefore no sleep for me. What a pity.

Schizophrenis / A New Day

So today was a late start due to my restless night. I woke up crunchy headed. This is the only way I can describe it. It's like there is a vice around my head but there is no pain, just the feelings and sounds ot would make. I only feel this way when I get really tired. I took my dog out to go the bathroom and it sounded like the pigeons were saying "embarrassing" over and over. Cant wait to see how this day plays out lol.

Schizophrenis / Restless Night

So I'm laying in my bed tossing and turning over what kind of blog and YouTube channel to create. Should I keep it serious? Or should I just let go and spill the T? There is a side of this that I've never even told my psychiatrist or my psychologist. Because it is too crazy to voice. In retrospect a lot of it is funny, but at the time terrifying. I have suffered from schizophrenia for the past 2 years and what I have found is that there isnt a lot of people gabbing about their crazy. Should I? Oh and just so ya know, 6 people on my dad's side, including him, have schizophrenia. I was doomed. No chance. Okay so I will tell you what my first symptom was... I started hearing the Star Spangled Banner playing in my head. The song would never quite finish and I thought if it finished that meant something really bad would happen. Crazy sauce. One time I was driving and my speedometer said 666 while the song was playing and I thought "Well this is it!" It wasn't, life went on and so did the music!